Tak’s Take: Smuggling for Fun and Profit

So you want to be a smuggler. Good for you. Smuggling is an exciting and potentially lucrative endeavor. Here is a beginner’s guide to this less than noble profession in four easy steps.

Cloaking is for Pussies

Who needs a cloak?

When you first consider entering the exciting world of smuggling, you may have a moment of weakness: cloaking technology. You should avoid this at all costs. I cannot stress this enough. First, a ship capable of cloaking eliminates your light and medium freighters. As we all know, no ship that small has a cloaking device. If you are so wealthy as to be able to buy a ship large enough to carry a cloak, then why the hell are you smuggling in the first place. Besides, using a cloak to sneak past a blockade will lose you a lot of credibility with the smuggling community. Seriously, we will all point and laugh at you. Sack up and get a light freighter.

Nooks and Crannies

Choose Wisely

Now that we have settled on a light freighter as the ship of choice, it is time to focus on the contours. If you want to be an effective smuggler you are going to need a place to hide your stash. The key is to avoid simple geometric shapes. While your cubes and spheres may be great for hauling around your collective, they tend to make for poor hiding places when you inevitably get boarded. “We are the Borg. We do not know how all that pot got on our ship, officer.” No, the keys to a good smuggling vessel are nooks and crannies. The closer your ship looks like it was designed during an epileptic fit, the closer you are to passing that inspection.

Blasters and Enforcers

One big ass wookiee. . .or three or four.

Now that you have your ship, it is time to get your gun and someone bigger than you. Your choice of fire arm can mean the difference between walking out of the cantina and being dragged out of the cantina to be thrown in the nearest dumpster. You are going to want something quick on the draw, so stick to a small carbine or a blaster. For the love of Alvis, do not pick a melee weapon. They may be great for prancing around in robes or for a good ol’ fashioned baby seal clubbing, but they won’t do you much good when the guy you double-crossed is on the other side of the hanger bay.

Remember, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a blaster at your side (unless your religion is all about blasters, like The Church of Alvis). You know what else no match is for: a big ass wookiee. What’s better than a big ass wookiee? A big ass wookiee with a life debt is, let me tell ya. Do your best to find the nastiest, foul smelling, so-ugly-his-mama-wouldn’t-kiss-him, bruiser out there, and save his life.

See, simple.

The Crevice that Dare Not Speak its Name

The beer may be warm, but at least it's close.


At this point you may think you have everything you need to be a successful smuggler. You would be wrong. Every smuggler reaches a point of last resort; the point where no other hiding place is immediately available. Yes, I am talking about the dirty, dirty business of anal cavity smuggling. Every smuggler must ultimately really on his or her resourcefulness. And nothing says resourcefulness more than being able to cram that balloon up where the sun don’t shine seconds before the authorities break through the hatch. Here are some tips:

  • Wrap that thing in something. Nothing kills resale value more than
    skipping this step.
  • Avoid pointy ends. This tip, as it were, speaks for itself.
  • Lay off the roughage. ‘Cause, you know, gross.

Mazel Tov

Congratulations, you now have the basic steps to successful smuggling. You have taken your first step into a larger world. One last thing to remember; even I get boarded sometimes. When that bounty hunter comes after you, shoot first.