The Church of Alvis

I have an idea for a contribution to the blog that I think would be funny. It's called "Take it from Cuspar" and it's an advice column about everything in the universe. In particular, I'm hoping to give irreverent advice about stuff I know NOTHING about. If necessary, I'll even make up fake questions and then answer them. I know this will be funny (think AMA's from reddit, but really, really, really bizarre). How do I make it happen?

We can totally do this. Currently I'm spacing out articles one every few days, but as people write more that may get pushed up to a post a day or more if we get really active. Write up a post and send it to me an an email. Be sure to include any pictures you want to use or links to them so I can get them to rehost. I'll set up the first one and set you up as a writer for the blog with log in information etc. To start you should probably just make up questions, but if it becomes a recurring thing and as we promote we can roll in reader questions.

questions for "Ask Cuspar"

1) How do I unlock the TaunTaun rideable mount?
2) How do I defeat the last boss in the Black Talon flashpoint?
3) Is there a female voice for your droid companions?
4) Is there a continuity argument against playing a Hutt Bountyhunter trapped in a Twi'lek consular's body? Can I do this on an RP server?
5) Where is the app for my iPhone that lets me know when my companions have returned from a crafting mission?

more for "Ask Cuspar"

1) While waiting to get into my server I often Cosplay my interactions with Mako using an old mop. Can this have any serious side-effects?
2) My wife keeps saying she "Re-quests 'You stop playing this Game!'". I haven't seen the quest 'You Stop Playing This Game' and I also don't know how she is re-questing. Can you play quests over again? And can you find out what my wife's SW:TOR account is?
3) What is the average landspeeder velocity of an unladen Jedi apprentice?

EXCELLENT.

I hearby declare that Cuspar's advice column shall be called Cupar's Corner. This is not a request, it's a statement of fact. Anyone who argues will be shot and have their alcohol privlidges taken away. I'm not sure which is the harshers punishment, but I'm thinking probably #2.

My question is a kinda long one...

A couple weeks ago I had hot crazy monkey sex with my companion, but since then she's been really clingy so i finally sent her off on a diplomacy mission for a day. While she was gone I went to Illum for a bit of PvP and while in the cantina I met this bounty hunter chic Mako. Well, I got her drunk and banged her and ever since that night my junk has turned purple and it burns when I pee. How do I convince my companion that she's the one that gave me space herpes and not that whore Mako?

Dear Cuspar,

I've been trying to complete as many Flashpoints solo as possible, but I'm stuck outside of Phoenix, AZ because my car broke down and I had to use the bathroom and the door to this portopotty appears to be jammed. I was debating if the proper build for my goal involved a coat hanger or if maybe I should consider cutting back on the hot sauce on my jalapeño fries when I drive through Starbucks. Also the people at Starbucks seem to get really confused when I order fries there and I'm not sure if that's because I have too many Dark Side points or if it's the rash that I got during beta after sitting naked on a balance ball that I stole from the yoga studio down the street. Man was that lady pissed. She wasn't mad, she just got really scared when I walked in without my pants and a big orange "V" painted on my chest (because it had washed off in the shower, so I had to replace it with an oval thing made in yellow highlighter, which doesn't show up well on my chest hair) and when she screamed I'm pretty sure she peed a little like when you catch a toad on the side of the road and it tries to run away by lubricating your hands with sour, slightly bitter, but pleasantly spicy urine. Just a warning, it does not work well on pancakes. Don't ask how I know because the guy at the truck stop told I had to keep it a secret and he seemed like he really meant it. Did you know that pickles aren't supposed to be purple? Also apparently your teeth aren't supposed to be purple either - at least that's what my hack dentist says. Now that I think about it, are dentists supposed to wear gloves? Cause I've always heard "no glove, no love" but not once has my dentist written me a sonnet so I'm beginning to doubt the efficacy of that saying cause he wears a baseball glove whenever we play pitch and catch. Also why is pitch so hard to catch? It seems like the game would be easier if we let the pitch cool into some sort of orbish shape. Wait...this isn't my phone. Maybe that's why the guy that was in here before was so mad when I walked in and pushed him off the seat. It's his fault, really. He's the one who dropped his phone. Right?

Sincerely,

Lost In Spacey's Back Yard and there are dogs.

Dear Cuspar, I've been having recurring dreams where I see myself standing naked on a pyramid with a thousand Jawas screaming and throwing little pickles at me? What does this dream mean? Should I seek professional counseling?

Sincerely,

Perturbed

Dear Cuspar, my guildmate likes to not only have sex with his companions in game, but also likes to simulaneously get laid while sexing up his digital companion, all on vent. While I'm very much disgusted by it, I'm also turned on . Am I normal?

Thanks,
The monkey in the closet with a wire around his neck.

Dodd Formeianna wrote:Dear Cuspar, I've been having recurring dreams where I see myself standing naked on a pyramid with a thousand Jawas screaming and throwing little pickles at me? What does this dream mean? Should I seek professional counseling?

Sincerely,

Perturbed

Can you drive a 6" spike through a board with your penis?

Furiel wrote:

Dodd Formeianna wrote:Dear Cuspar, I've been having recurring dreams where I see myself standing naked on a pyramid with a thousand Jawas screaming and throwing little pickles at me? What does this dream mean? Should I seek professional counseling?

Sincerely,

Perturbed

Can you drive a 6" spike through a board with your penis?

+50 internetz for you - was wondering if someone would catch the reference.

Answer to Bulwark's questions submitted... other questions filed for subsequent columns! (soon, I hope)

Dear Cuspar,

Is it true when you kill someone in PvP, you get a token to redeem on EA's Origin service for cash to download other games?

Dashl wrote:Dear Cuspar,

Is it true when you kill someone in PvP, you get a token to redeem on EA's Origin service for cash to download other games?

Dear Cuspar,

Is it true that when Dashl kills someone in PvP, he gets to claim their gamerscores?

Once you have done a few posts like that I can do a few things to organize. I can put a table of contents at the top of each post in the series that lists all the posts in the series. Or list the posts in a static page or sidebar widget. Or any combination of the above.

~from my phone using tapatalk~

Vespasian wrote:

Dashl wrote:Dear Cuspar,

Is it true when you kill someone in PvP, you get a token to redeem on EA's Origin service for cash to download other games?

Dear Cuspar,

Is it true that when Dashl kills someone in PvP, he gets to claim their gamerscores?

I wish this game had XBOX Live achievements. Heck, when beta hit, I dropped two spots in my own state.

This thread is awesome.
That is all.